Even though there are some dear friends who would tell you Im not right in the head, my brain is the only part of my body that I feel works right! The rest of my body has times when it betrays me. There are days when all I can do is lay in bed. POTs disease is the main diagnoses that keeps me down, but like so many things it is not straight forward. I have other “conditions” that when mixed with POTs equal difficult days. If you are not familiar with POTs disease, I encourage you to google it. They can explain it better than I can.
So when POTs leaves me in bed, I am stuck thinking, dreaming, at times feeling very defeated! At those times, in my mind, we make everything from scratch, never go to the store, we are out of debt, work 100% on the farm, are 100% self sufficient, food and energy independent. The reality is at that moment my kids are eating boxed cereal and dinner may be a frozen pizza. I am thankful that I have a local store to fall back on when I can’t do it all myself.
What I struggle with is compromise, am I a failure at homesteading because my kids are eating Chick-fil-a for dinner tonight. I feel like it. Learning to be at peace with my body and my abilities is not something I am doing with grace. I look like an emotional rollercoaster, one minute is making my own mayonnaise and the next I am dipping a fry in Chick-fil-a sauce. Total extremes from raising the food 100 percent on farm, the next a Big Mac.
I dont have the answers. I just wanted to share the struggle with you. Even if I am in bed or not able to work the farm 40% of the time, I am still proud of the other 60%. We are still learning. We are still striving to live a more sustainable life. The only one who puts guilt on me, is me. That is not how God wants me to live my life. I am learning to give every situation to God, daily. I am learning to pray and give thanks whether I am in bed or planting vegetables. I am praying for God to keep teaching me, keep molding me, keep leading me. My POTs is not a mistake, God has allowed it to happen and I pray he is glorified through it. My family is wonderful. They support me and care for me. My husband said that the POTs slows me down so the rest of the world can keep up. I appreciate his encouragement. If you are struggling with your health, don’t believe the lies of guilt. Believe that you are loved. Beautifully and wonderfully made.